A wild game at the Rogers Centre last night. The Jays came back from 3-0 and 9-3 deficits to win 16-10 in a crazy slugfest. Hill, Lind, Snider, Wells, and Overbay all went deep, sending the attendance of 16,020 into a frenzy. Well, most of the crowd of 16,020 into a frenzy. One man in section 519, row 2 was as composed as they get. Nothing in the game seemed to faze him. In fact, he didn’t utter a single word the entire game, no boos, no cheers, no applause. Nothing. But because of his appearance and his actions, for the first time a silent fan will win FLF of the game. Ladies and gentleman, the 500 Level Fan of the Game for Friday May 14th – the Moustache Masturbator!
Right away, at first glance, it was obvious that this was a MAN. Not just a man, but a MAN, an all-caps MAN. I had to pass by him on the way to my seat, and as he stood to let me through (in pure silence of course), his enormously thick, plush, and well manicured moustache stood out, looking me right in the eye. It was all I could do to not flinch and fall from the balcony of the 500’s. I have seen moustaches before. Hell, I’ve even grown moustaches before. But this, this was something special.
It wasn’t until the 4th inning that we noticed the rest of his attire. He was clad in a Canadian Tuxedo, which was unfortunately covered by a heavy winter coat. But if you were able to stay focused, glimpses of the Tuxedo were there. For those of you who don’t know what a Canadian Tuxedo is, let me explain. It is an outfit of full denim, from the shirt to the pants. If the denim is the same wash, fade, and colour, it adds to the mystique. The Moustache Masturbator wore medium blue jeans with a medium blue denim button up, fully tucked. Again, what a MAN!
In addition to his outfit, the Moustache Masturbator was listening to the game on headphones, on what appeared to be one of the first generation Discman’s, one equipped with an AM/FM tuner. So intent was he that nothing interfere with the radio, that he had duct taped the entire CD portion of the Discman, lest it accidentally open and he miss a Jerry Howarth description of a pop out.
But his true greatness was not in his attire, his accessories, or his moustache. His true greatness was the way he played with his moustache. Every time one of us took a look to our left he had his fingers in his ‘stache. He was grooming it, picking it, stroking it, twisting it, rubbing it, and loving it. I’m sure at one point he licked it and sucked on it. I bet he would have made love to it if he could have. And it wasn’t just once or twice during the game. It was once or twice every three minutes. For that kind of performance there was really only one choice for the fan of the game award. Congratulations Moustache Masturbator!
Honourable Mention goes to the extremely angry man beside the masturbator who also spoke nary a word, and surprised all around him by pulling out a snack in the 4th inning. But not chips, popcorn, peanuts, or a sandwich. No, he pulled from his pocket an entire chicken breast wrapped in cellophane, and proceeded to wolf it down, with an occassional lick. Gross.