Due to my incredible golfing skills, I was unable to attend the Blue Jays / Cardinals game at the dome last night. By winning a bet on the links, I was reaping my rewards at the Jack Astors bar at Yonge and Dundas – dinner and multiple pitchers of beer. While it is always disappointing to miss a Jays game in person, it looked like last night was a good one to miss, as Toronto was thumped by the powerful Cards 9-4.
However, more 500 Level Fan scouts were in attendance, and came back with a fantastic report for a fan of the game from last night. Ladies and Gentleman, I am proud to present the FLF of the game from June 22 – Chuck Norris.
Here is the account from my witty, top notch, and drunk upper deck scouts:
The game began and we instantly noticed this man who looked like Chuck Norris. If he was just a regular fan, we would not be having this conversation. Rather, he was at the Dome for reasons other than our beloved Blue Jays. Namely, beer drinking, MILF hunting, teen courting, pop corn eating and more booze drinking (and subsequent puking).
The night began when we noticed this worn looking man complete with grey skin, an oversized/wrinkled nose (thanks to decades of booze abuse), and frizzy hair in need of conditioning. That said, he was full of energy and looked to be a fun loving guy. He looked like Chuck Norris. apache web server
Next, we could not help but notice that he drank a lot. He always had a beer in his hand and was always looking to see where his next beer could be found. In fact, at one point he made his way down the tunnel to get a new beer. However to our surprise he came back empty handed for the first time all game. This is when we saw him borrow money from his ‘loved one’for the beer and then made his way back down the tunnel. This time he didn’t come back empty handed. He also drank his beers at a rapid pace, taking huge gulps and finishing off big draft beers with ease.
Chuck was also a man who loves woman. Not only was he romancing his wife (the MILF-ish battle axe in the pink outfit), but he was attempting to romance of group of teens two rows above him. With the confidence level of the real Chuck Norris, he engaged the teens in superficial discussions all evening.
Next came the munchies. Chuck was hungry and somewhat exhausted with the amount of alcohol he consumed, and as a result needed a salty snack to hold over his appetite. What better snack than a handful of popcorn? We think he was missing a few teeth, so his consumption style was awry. My theory is that he let the popcorn soak in his saliva and then simply swallowed them.
Now for the disturbing part. Chuck drank too much, and it was apparent two-fold. First, he keeled over during the 7th inning stretch and looked to have puked on his seat. He was tired, lethargic, and severely booze-abused at this point.
Secondly, after his apparent vomit, Chuck went to the boys room to freshen up. He came back in a new shirt but not just any new shirt. Chuck changed from his ragged Black t-shirt to a full button up lime green collared shirt. We figured that Chuck had remnants of vomit on his shirt and thus needed a change. We can also assume he made the change to enhance his appearance as he began to make more frequent moves on the teenagers two rows up.
All in all Chuck was a joy to watch, analyze and observe. Now only if the Jays gave us the same reasons to watch.
Thanks guys, and congratulations Chuck Norris! link checker .