If Only…Our Answer at Third

Let’s be honest.  The 2010 offseason has been a bit depressing thus far.

Sure we can rejoice in the fact that Cliff Lee chose the Phillies over the Yankees, but what else is their to be happy about as a Jays fan?

Carl Crawford and Adrian Gonzalez went to the Red Sox.  Detroit is much stronger after picking up Joaquin Benoit and Victor Martinez.  The White Sox added Adam Dunn.  The Yankees are still formidable.  The road to the Wild Card got a lot tougher.

So instead of focusing on the doom and gloom – as I admit that I have been guilty of doing – I thought I’d shake things up a bit here at 500 Level Fan.

I am introducing a new series of columns entitled “If Only”.  They are meant to be nothing more than a fun, light-hearted, satirical look at players that would fit in perfectly on the Blue Jays…if only it was possible to sign them.  Why can’t we sign them?  Well…keep reading….

First up is third base.

With E5 gone, the Jays don’t have a third baseman on the roster.  There has been talk of shifting Jose Bautista from RF to 3B, or of moving Aaron Hill from 2B.  But how about this man, the perfect man, to take over the position?

If only we could sign Roger Dorn.

For those not familiar with Dorn, he was the everyday third baseman for the Cleveland Indians in the movie Major League.  For those of you who know who he is, you are likely asking why?

He was overpaid – “I thought you didn’t have any high-priced talent”, “Forget about Dorn ’cause he’s only high-priced.”

He was a terrible defender – “Come on Dorn, get in front of the damn ball.  Don’t give me any of this ole bullsh*t.”

He refused to take instruction from management – “Lou, my contract say I don’t have to do any calisthenics that I deem unnecessary, so what do you think about that!”

Most of all he was a bad teammate – “What’s the matter rookie f*ck wad, can’t you take a joke?”

But if you look past that, two things stand out about Roger Dorn: he was constantly improving as the season moved forward (he ended up having a respectable year with numbers better than Encarnacion), and when the going got tough, Dorn got going.

Seriously.  With the Indians in contention near the end of the season, there was Dorn taking extra infield practice.  With the Indians down 2-0 in the 8th inning of a one game playoff against the Yankees, it was Dorn who started a rally with a two-out single.  When Vaughn came in to pitch in the ninth with the bases loaded and the score tied, it was Dorn who delivered the motivational speech that Ricky needed to get the final out (“Let’s cut through the crap Vaughn.  I’ve only got one thing to say to you.  Strike this mother f*cker out!”)

Toronto wouldn’t need him to be a leader.  They already have Vernon Wells and Jose Bautista to fill that role.  They don’t need him to be a 30 HR guy, not with Bau, Vern, Lind, and Hill on the team.  They don’t need gold glove defense, because anything would be an improvement over Encarnacion.  They just need a solid defender who can get on base – exactly what Roger Dorn can do.

As an added bonus, if Rogers fails as an owner, Dorn can simply buy the team, like he did with the Indians in Major League 2.

2011 would be a great season if it were possible to bring in Roger Dorn.

If only…

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *