It’s just before noon on Tuesday, about 17 hours after the first pitch from last night’s disaster of a ballgame.
17 long hours have passed, and I still can’t believe what happened.
I’m not talking about the game itself. That much is obvious. The Jays stunk. They were basically run off the field by a Tigers team that I don’t even really consider to be all that great. Every aspect of their game was awful last night – offense, defense, pitching, baserunning, everything.
No, what I can’t believe was what happened to the upper deck, section 519 specifically, beginning in the 5th.
A group of five people went insane. Literally insane. Lost their minds, off their rockers, googly-eyed insane.
It was all at once crazy, terrifying, and hilarious.
Two of the fans have been profiled here before – the inmitable Bobby and Pingu. They were joined by two women and one other man. After a very quiet and docile first few innings, something happened. My guess is that their medication wore off. Because in the 5th, all hell broke loose.
It began with Pingu, standing up and addressing a quiet Rogers Centre:
“ELVIS HAS LEFT THE BUILDING! IS THERE ANYBODY HERE STILL AWAKE?”
Then the quotes flew in quick succession:
“Hey crowd, pay some more on your Rogers bill so we can get some better players!”
“We’re #5 after tonight. We can’t go any lower because there aren’t any more teams!”
“If we had more money we could bring back Vernon Wells, Shaun Markonn, and Ray Holiday!” (I’m trying to spell the names like he pronounced them.)
“That’s what you get when you put Tigers against Blue Jays . The Tigers have eaten so many birds they must have fur balls!”
Then Bobby piped up:
“Come on you Puke-a-maniacs!”
“See all these blue seats? Those are the smart people who aren’t here. We all have a mental defect cause we’re here! We’re humanoids brother!”
“Yum yum yum. Grrrrr. Grrrr. Arrrrrr.” (At this point he was on his feet acting like a man-eating giant by pretending to eat the players on the field. Not joking.)
“Oh, it’s Bautista! SSSTTTEEERRROOOIIIDDDSSS!!!! SSSTTTEEERRROOOIIIDDDSSS!!!!. What? I have the right to question him because he went from 13 HR to 54 HR in one year. And I bought a ticket! Grrr.. Yumm yumyum. Arrrr.rrrr.r.r.rrrr”
Then the ultimate. The women’s meds wore off and the floodgates opened:
“My Jays are sore losers!”
“Come on you donkey, get a hit!”
“Come on you donkey, get off your wagon!”
“When donkeys fly you might get a hit, when donkeys fly!”
“Come on you sore losers! Come on you chicken fingers! Come on chicken liver! Come on chicken lovers! Do it horse feathers! Do it Mickey Mouse! Swing the bat Duck Feet! Come on you rat tails!”
“I hate Deee-troy-it! I hate, hate, hate, hate them! It’s not fair!”
“This game is boring!”
“Ahhh sh*t! He swung and missed!”
“Get your act together duck feet!”
“Bautista can’t hit tonight. Maybe he’ll get one more ball and have a walk. DON’T HIT HIM!” (J-Bau was already 2 for 2 with a single, double, walk, and RBI.)
“Why is everybody leaving? That’s not nice! This is my home! Be nice to the Jays! Screw you Edwin you stupid donkey!”
After that comment, an usher told them that maybe the team is doing so poorly because they are being so mean, to which one of the women responded with:
“I love the Jays. I love Toronto. I LOVE IT HERE! And I hate Dee-Troy-It. And I LOVE Bosssston!”
Things got so out of control that the same Rogers Centre usher actually came up to us to apologize, saying that they are here all the time. We didn’t care - it was bonus entertainment!
The last word of the night went to Pingu:
“Raise your hand if you want a winning team in the next 25 years. Now somebody please tell me the score of the Vancouver hoooooooockey game!”
For your entertainment, please enjoy the following audio recording. It will feel like you are right in the action!