Inside The Clubhouse: Part Two

Two weeks ago 500 Level Fan came into possession of an exclusive audio recording leaked from the Blue Jays clubhouse. 

Now, we have received another one, taped after the disastrous events of Tuesday night’s blown save in Oakland.  Have a look:


Date: May 8, 2012

Time: 1:08 AM Eastern, minutes after interim closer Francisco Cordero allowed a walk-off Grand Slam to Oakland’s Brandon Inge

Scene: Inside the visitors clubhouse at Coliseum in Oakland, California

[SILENCE spreads across the clubhouse as the Blue Jay players walk into the clubhouse and sit down at their lockers.  They look stunned]

Adam Lind: That hurts.  That’s a tough one.

[CLACK CLACK CLACK – the sound of cleats walking down the tunnel towards the room breaks the silence.  Francisco Cordero walks into the room with his head down]

Francisco Cordero: Hijo de puta, basura, pedazo de mierda, carajo! Brandon Inge! por el amor de mierda!!!  AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[loosely translated from Spanish, it means “son of a b**ch, garbage, piece of crap, damn!!! Brandon Inge! for f**k sakes!!]

[CRASH SNAP, as Cordero picks up a plastic chair, snaps it over his knee, then throws it towards the bathroom.  He then storms after it, towards the showers, leaving the room]

Brett Lawrie [whispering to J.P. Arencibia]: Damn bro, that dude sucks.  Wasn’t Brandon Inge practically retired a few days ago?  He hits worse than Omar yo!

J.P. Arencibia [whispering back to Lawrie]: Yeah brosef.  Inge is brutal.  But you know what?  I’m afraid of Coco.  That guy is nuts.  Pure loco.  Whatever you do, don’t look at him – he might eat you.

Edwin Encarnacion [to Lawrie]: Yo amigo . Your boy there is right. I played with Coco in Cincy.  He didn’t blow many saves there, but when he did…[whistles]…it was carnage.  I remember one time in Milwaukee, dude broke a toilet in half with his foot, then stuffed a ton of towels and a suitcase in the hole to stop the water from spraying everywhere.  Poor clubhouse guy came to stop him and Coco tried to bite him. 

Lawrie: Woah, woah, woah.  Bite him?  Yo dude, that is off the charts sick!!! Ooooohhh baby!!!

EE: You heard me.  Guy was so freaked he took off and didn’t come back in the rest of the series.  So listen to me.  Keep your head down.  Coco is one crazy Dominican fool.

JPA: No worries there.  I ain’t gonna be looking anywhere near that dude.

[at that moment, manager John Farrell emerges from his office]

Farrell: Alright guys, listen up.  There’s no getting around it – that was a tough one, one we would’ve liked to have.  But you know what?  Silver lining: we hung in there until the end.  We didn’t have our best stuff tonight.  We only had 6 hits.  Ricky didn’t have his best stuff but he battled.  We all battled and somehow we had a lead in the ninth.  Yeah we lost it, but it showed a lot about this team that we hung in there.  Francisco – where’s Franky?

[Farrell looks around and doesn’t see his embattled closer]

Farrell: Anyway – I have faith in Franky.  He’s been here befo-

[suddenly a lot of loud BANGS reverberate from the bathroom.  After several seconds, Francisco Cordeo emerges wearing only an undershirt, and carrying a metal garbage can.  His glove is on his head.]

[SMASH as he slams the garbage can on the ground]

Francisco Cordero: Friends.  I let you down.  I not pitch well tonight, or all year.  So you know what I do to fix that?  I burn something. 

[Cordero throw his glove in the can, squirts some lighter fluid on it, then lights it on fire.  Flames shoot out of the can]

Cordero: No more bad glove, no more bad games.  No more bad glove, no more bad games.  NO MORE BAD GLOVE, NO MORE BAD GAMES.

[he repeats this phrase while dancing around the can]

Cordero: Woooo!  We gonna be fine now boys!  We gonna be alright!!!

[Farrell smiles, shakes his head, and walks away.]

[Brian Butterfield sits in the corner, stunned, silent]

[Adam Lind laughs and throws his batting gloves in the can]

Lind: Ya baby!!  Burn up!  No more bad games!

[On the other side of the room, Encarnacion looks at Arencibia and Lawrie]

EE: What did I tell you boys?  That dude is messed up.

Lawrie: He is one sick cat.  But you know what?  I love it.  I LLLLOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE IIIITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



So there you go. 

Coco has spoken.

No more bad games.

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