Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls. Get ready for another exclusive look behind the scenes in the Blue Jays clubhouse with 500 Level Fan’s third installment of Inside the Clubhouse:
Date: May 18, 2012
Time: 10:09 PM Eastern, minutes after Francisco Cordero recorded the final out in a 14 – 5 blowout victory over the New York Mets
Scene: Inside the Blue Jays clubhouse at Rogers Centre
[CHEERING, APPLAUSE, and SHOUTS fill the air as the Jays walk into the clubhouse]
[SMACK as several players exchange high fives]
J.P. Arencibia: Way to go boys! That’s what I’m talking about! Wooooooooo!!!!!
Ricky Romero: Nice job guys! Let’s keep this up! No quittin’ now! We’re flying!!
[the clubhouse door opens and the suspended Brett Lawrie enters, wearing jeans and a t-shirt]
Jose Bautista: You see what happens when we don’t have Brett in the lineup! We don’t need that jerkoff! HEY ALEX – TRADE THAT CLOWN!
[Jose catches Lawrie’s eye and gives him a wink. Lawrie gives Bautista the middle finger]
Colby Rasmus: Hey Brett bud. You didn’t throw anything in your suite did you? Hit any fans or workers?
[Some laughter in the room]
Casey Janssen: Yo Lawrie! See any umps on the way here? You look a little red. Angry again?
Brandon Morrow: Brett – can you toss me a Gatorade? Try to bounce it a little to my left, see if it hits me in the hip.
[More laughter from the team]
Lawrie [while grinning]: F**k you guys!
[at that moment, manager John Farrell emerges from his office]
Farrell: Alright guys, listen up. Great game tonight. Baseball is a funny game. I thought we’ve played better in many other games this year, only tonight a lot of balls actually dropped for us. Finally! I guess we know the secret now. Whenever things aren’t going our way, let’s just provoke Lawrie until he blows his sh*t and beats the snot out of an ump!
[Huge laughs from the team. Arencibia throws a dirty towel at Lawrie]
Farrell: Seriously though, good job tonight. Let’s enjoy this one, but remember: it’s a long season. Don’t get too high about this one. Now, for a little treat.
[Farrell pulls a baseball out of his back pocket]
Farrell: I was given this by stadium staff after the game. This is the ball that Yanny hit out for his first career home run tonight.
[Cheers of WOOOO, ATTABOY, and YAN THE MAN fill the room]
[Farrell takes a step towards Yan Gomes to give him the game ball, but quickly jumps out of the way as Lawrie runs up behind Gomes, rips off his shirt and covers him with a bucket of ice]
Lawrie: Yaahh boyyyyyy!!!! Gettin’ it donnnnnnnnneeee. Wooooooooooooooo!!!!! Ooooooh baaaaaaby!!!!
[suddenly the overhead lights go off, leaving the clubhouse dark except for a few small potlights over the doors]
[music starts playing, “Smooth Criminal” by Michael Jackson, and the clubhouse door opens]
[Rajai Davis steps in, doing the moonwalk, and a variety of other dance steps]
[J.P. Arencibia and Ricky Romero look at each other with raised eyebrows, then burst out laughing. The rest of the team also starts laughing hysterically]
Dwayne Murphy: What the f**k is this?
Farrell [rolling his eyes]: Unbelievable.
Davis: You’re looking at Rajai “Power” Davis, the man with the two home run pop, baby!
[Davis tears his shirt off and flexes his tiny muscles. He walks directly to Bautista and puts his flexed arm in his face]
Davis: Ooohh buddy, you wish you had this.
[Davis moves to Kelly Johnson and does the same thing]
Davis: Ain’t no way you go deep twice in a game baby! Not without these biceps!
[Omar Vizquel falls to the floor, clutching his sides due to laughter]
[Davis moonwalks to the centre of the room and kisses his arms]
Davis: I got that two home run pop! I got that two home run pop! I got that two home run pop!
Dwayne Murphy [shaking his head and walking away]: Two home runs and he thinks he’s the black Babe Ruth. Unbef**kinlievable
[Davis is pelted with towels and dirty socks as he continues his Smooth Criminal dance routine]
Rajai Davis. The black Babe Ruth.