Inside The Clubhouse: All About Cooper

It’s the new bi-weekly tradition that all the kids are talking about. It’s 500 Level Fan’s look Inside The Clubhouse!


Date: June 17, 2012

Time: 3:59 PM Eastern, minutes after Jason Frasor closed out the Phillies to complete a Blue Jays sweep

Scene: Inside the Blue Jays clubhouse at Rogers Centre

[CHEERING fills the air as the Jays walk into the clubhouse]

Brett Lawrie: Way to go boys! Way to go! WOOOO!!!! That’s what I’m talking about!!!! Ow ow owooo!!!!

Jose Bautista: Watch out everyone. Lawrie’s on the loose. Guard your nuts and keep him away from batting helmets.

[some laughter erupts]

Omar Vizquel: Great win guys. But I’ve got a problem with something. Where’s Eddie? Yo! Double E??

[Edwin Encarnacion walks in to the dressing room]

Encarnacion: What’s up old timer?

Vizquel: I was sitting on the bench today checking out the stats. And guess what pal?

Encarnacion: What?

Vizquel [smiling]: You haven’t homered in June yet! What the hell man? I thought you were the home run king? You’re behind big Bau now!

[Bautista walks to the centre of the room, takes his shirt off and flexes his muscles]

[Casey Janssen throws a towel at Jose and laughs]

Encarnacion: Well, I got one thing to say to that gramps. Watch out for Milwaukee. I plan on putting on a show!

[Encarnacion flexes his muscles, then walks over to Vizquel, picks him up and turns him upside down. Laughter erupts from the clubhouse]

[Manager John Farrell walks into the room]

Farrell: Alright guys, listen up. Great game again today. What a great sweep!

[he claps his hands, and the rest of the team applauds politely, except for Lawrie]

Lawrie: WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

[hitting coach Dwayne Murphy rolls his eyes and shakes his head]

Farrell: It’s been a tough week for us. We lost Brandon. We lost Kyle. We lost Drew. But you know what? That was one hell of an effort this weekend. Great sweep. We’re not going away in this division – I can guarantee that.

Lawrie: We ain’t going noooooowwwwwhheeerreeee!!!!!

Farrell: I want to give a few shout outs to the bullpen. Luis, Carlos – hell of a job this weekend. Fras – beauty buddy. We’re headin’ to Milwaukee tonight. That means we play crazy baseball, where the pitchers actually have to hit.

[Ricky Romero stands up and takes a few practice swings, calling his shot before each one]

J.P. Arencibia: Booooooooooooo!!!!!

Farrell: I know we’ll have enough offense cause I heard Edwin say he’s going off this week! But playing in the NL means we have to do some lineup adjusting. Where’s Coop?

[David Cooper raises his hand]

Farrell: Coop, you’ve been doing a great job for us since you got here.

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But with no DH I need Eddie at first. I’ll need your bat on the bench, so stay loose.

Cooper [quietly]: Thanks, coach.

[in the corner of the room, Lawrie speaks softly to Arencibia]

Lawrie: Yo dude, have you ever heard Cooper speak? He only ever nods his head and says thanks!

Arencibia: The dude is quiet bro. Maybe you scare him with your craziness!

Lawrie: That’s f***ed up yo. Why doesn’t he talk? I’m going to get him chirping. Watch this!

[Lawrie grabs a fedora out of J.P. Arencibia’s locker, grabs a shampoo bottle to act as a microphone, and walks towards Cooper]

Lawrie: This is Brett Lawrie, clubhouse reporter, reporting live from the Toronto Blue Jays locker room after a great sweep of the Phillies.

[he points the bottle at Bautista]

Lawrie: Here’s HR king Jose Bautista. Jose, tell us about the win.

[Bautista gives Lawrie the middle finger, then squirts a water bottle at him, laughing]

Lawrie: OK. Well, here we are now with young first baseman David Cooper. Mr. Cooper, how are you feeling after the win?

Cooper: [silence]

Lawrie: Coop, if you had to choose one actress or singer to fool around with who would it be?

[laughter around the clubhouse, as more and more Jays start watching]

Cooper: [shakes his head, silence]

Lawrie: Ha! OK, how about this one. Would you rather be a big kid in a little car, or a little kid in a big car?

Casey Janssen: What?

Dwayne Murphy: Holy sh*t.

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The kid has lost it…

Cooper: [staring blankly]

Cooper: [slight grin]

Cooper: That’s a clown question, bro.

[HUGE laughter across the clubhouse. Darren Oliver falls off his chair.]


[Lawrie gives Cooper a high five and a soft punch to the stomach and laughs]


3 thoughts on “Inside The Clubhouse: All About Cooper”

  1. The only thing that could make my life better would
    be if clubhouse Fridays featured the occasional character
    from the classic ‘rookies’ young adult series, and if there
    were multiple endings that I could select, allowing me to
    ‘Choose my Own Adventure.’
    Great feature, flf!

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