Inside the Clubhouse: The GM Speaks

Date: July 25, 2012

Time: 10:27 PM Eastern, about ten minutes after the Jays were utterly humiliated 16 – 0 by Oakland

Scene: Inside the Blue Jays clubhouse at Rogers Centre

[SILENCE is everywhere as most of the members of the team get changed slowly or sit at their lockers with heads down]

Kelly Johnson: I am not looking forward to talking to reporters tonight…

Jeff Mathis: I know what you mean.  We deserve to get grilled pretty hard.

[SMASH as a glove goes flying against the wall][

Brett Lawrie: What the f**k are we doing boys?  Huh?  HUH?  AAAHHHHH!!!!  16 to nothing? SIXTEEN TO GODDAMN NOTHING!!!!!  ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!  GRRRRRR!!!!!

J.P. Arencibia: Yo dude, setlle down bro.  It was a lousy game.  Just one game.

[before Lawrie can respond, the lights dim down low, and a low pitch bell rings…DONG]


[funeral-type music begins playing]

Brandon Morrow: Is that the Undertaker’s wrestling theme song?

Casey Janssen: I think it is dude, I think it is.

[suddenly the clubhouse door opens, and in walks Blue Jays assistant GM Tony LaCava wearing all black with white gloves, and carrying an easel with a black cloth over it]

Lawrie: What the hell is this?

[manager John Farrell emerges from his office, nodding his head in approval]

[LaCava reaches the centre of the room and stops.  All eyes are upon him.  He places the easel down, then removes the black cloth.]

[The Undertaker music is still playing in the background]

[Underneath the cloth is a poster board with photo’s of several Blue Jays on it.  From left to right there appears:

Jessie Litsch

Dustin McGowan

Sergio Santos

Luis Perez

Kyle Drabek

Drew Hutchison

Brandon Morrow

Jason Frasor

Travis d’Arnaud

Jose Bautista]

[LaCava reaches into a bag, pulls out a photo of J.P. Arencibia and sticks it to the board]

Arencibia: Whoa…

[LaCava then fastens a Blue Jays logo to the board, and walks away]

[GM Alex Anthopoulos enters the room and the music stops]

Anthopoulos: Alright guys, listen up.  I know I’m not normally down here, and this is normally John’s territory, but I cleared this with him.  I have something very important to say.  Cool?

Edwin Encarnacion: Yah man.

Anthopoulos: What you see behind me is the board of the deceased.  Obviously, all of these guys are hurt.  Most are out for the season.  J.P. – tough break tonight man, real unlucky.

Arencibia: I’ll be alright.

Anthopoulos: So what is our logo doing on the board? Anybody?


Anthopoulos: It’s because we’re dead.  Our team – this team – is dead.  At least that’s what it looked like tonight.  We might as well cancel the rest of the season if that’s the kind of performance we’re going to give.  Where’s Ricky?

[Ricky Romero stand up, cap pulled down low over his eyes, head down]

Anthopoulos: Ricky buddy.  You suck.  I mean, what the hell happened to you? 

[Romero clenches his fists]

Anthopoulos: You’re supposed to be an ace?  Wow.  Brutal.

[Romero starts to turn red, rage bubbling inside him]

Anthopoulos: But listen – I know what you’re doing.  And I like it.  In your past four starts you are 0-4 and have allowed 17 runs.  But you know what guys?  We have scored a grand total of 0 runs for him.  ZERO!  So what is Ricky doing?  It’s obvious to me.  He’s getting the bad starts out of the way now.  Honestly, he could have pitched 4 consecutive complete game 1-hit, 1-run ballgames and still be 0-4 in them.  So why bother, right Ricky?

Romero: You know it boss!  You a**holes gotta get me some runs yo!

Anthopoulos: Exactly!  Why waste a good start when you’ll just lose anyways?  So team – Ricky is fine.  How about the rest of us?  Are we dead, done, finished?


Anthopoulos: The trade deadline is coming up.  We’ve been linked to a lot of players.  But do you want to know some massive trades that I’m going to make?  Do you want to know who is joining us?

[some heads nod]

[Anthopoulos walks over to the “Deceased Board”, and pulls the photo of Brandon Morrow off]

Anthopoulos: We’re going to re-acquire Brandon Morrow.  [he removes Hutchison’s photo] In September, we’re going to make a move for Drew Hutchison.

[some applause from the team]

[AA removes the photo of Jason Frasor]

Anthopoulos: I think we’ll go ahead and get Frasor too.  And what about this guy?

[he removes the photo of Bautista.  Bautista stands up and flexes his muscles]

Colby Rasmus: Yeah!!!

 Travis Snider: Wooooo!!!!

Anthopoulos: So I count four major post-deadline acquisitions, including one of the two-time reigning home run king.  We’re five games back of the playoffs with over two months to go.  Who wants me to take our logo off this board?

[loud cheers]

Anthopoulos: Do we have some fight left in us?

Lawrie [spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and foaming at the mouth]: YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  TAKE IT DOWN!!!! TAKE IT THE F**K DOWN!!!!  JAYS FOR LIFE!!!!  F**K YEAH!!!!!  OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOOOOOOO!!!!!



The moral of the story?  Keep the faith friends.

Keep the faith.

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