Date: July 25, 2012
Time: 10:27 PM Eastern, about ten minutes after the Jays were utterly humiliated 16 – 0 by Oakland
Scene: Inside the Blue Jays clubhouse at Rogers Centre
[SILENCE is everywhere as most of the members of the team get changed slowly or sit at their lockers with heads down]
Kelly Johnson: I am not looking forward to talking to reporters tonight…
Jeff Mathis: I know what you mean. We deserve to get grilled pretty hard.
[SMASH as a glove goes flying against the wall][
Brett Lawrie: What the f**k are we doing boys? Huh? HUH? AAAHHHHH!!!! 16 to nothing? SIXTEEN TO GODDAMN NOTHING!!!!! ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?! GRRRRRR!!!!!
J.P. Arencibia: Yo dude, setlle down bro. It was a lousy game. Just one game.
[before Lawrie can respond, the lights dim down low, and a low pitch bell rings…DONG]
[funeral-type music begins playing]
Brandon Morrow: Is that the Undertaker’s wrestling theme song?
Casey Janssen: I think it is dude, I think it is.
[suddenly the clubhouse door opens, and in walks Blue Jays assistant GM Tony LaCava wearing all black with white gloves, and carrying an easel with a black cloth over it]
Lawrie: What the hell is this?
[manager John Farrell emerges from his office, nodding his head in approval]
[LaCava reaches the centre of the room and stops. All eyes are upon him. He places the easel down, then removes the black cloth.]
[The Undertaker music is still playing in the background]
[Underneath the cloth is a poster board with photo’s of several Blue Jays on it. From left to right there appears:
[LaCava reaches into a bag, pulls out a photo of J.P. Arencibia and sticks it to the board]
[LaCava then fastens a Blue Jays logo to the board, and walks away]
[GM Alex Anthopoulos enters the room and the music stops]
Anthopoulos: Alright guys, listen up. I know I’m not normally down here, and this is normally John’s territory, but I cleared this with him. I have something very important to say. Cool?
Edwin Encarnacion: Yah man.
Anthopoulos: What you see behind me is the board of the deceased. Obviously, all of these guys are hurt. Most are out for the season. J.P. – tough break tonight man, real unlucky.
Arencibia: I’ll be alright.
Anthopoulos: So what is our logo doing on the board? Anybody?
Anthopoulos: It’s because we’re dead. Our team – this team – is dead. At least that’s what it looked like tonight. We might as well cancel the rest of the season if that’s the kind of performance we’re going to give. Where’s Ricky?
[Ricky Romero stand up, cap pulled down low over his eyes, head down]
Anthopoulos: Ricky buddy. You suck. I mean, what the hell happened to you?
[Romero clenches his fists]
Anthopoulos: You’re supposed to be an ace? Wow. Brutal.
[Romero starts to turn red, rage bubbling inside him]
Anthopoulos: But listen – I know what you’re doing. And I like it. In your past four starts you are 0-4 and have allowed 17 runs. But you know what guys? We have scored a grand total of 0 runs for him. ZERO! So what is Ricky doing? It’s obvious to me. He’s getting the bad starts out of the way now. Honestly, he could have pitched 4 consecutive complete game 1-hit, 1-run ballgames and still be 0-4 in them. So why bother, right Ricky?
Romero: You know it boss! You a**holes gotta get me some runs yo!
Anthopoulos: Exactly! Why waste a good start when you’ll just lose anyways? So team – Ricky is fine. How about the rest of us? Are we dead, done, finished?
Anthopoulos: The trade deadline is coming up. We’ve been linked to a lot of players. But do you want to know some massive trades that I’m going to make? Do you want to know who is joining us?
[some heads nod]
[Anthopoulos walks over to the “Deceased Board”, and pulls the photo of Brandon Morrow off]
Anthopoulos: We’re going to re-acquire Brandon Morrow. [he removes Hutchison’s photo] In September, we’re going to make a move for Drew Hutchison.
[some applause from the team]
[AA removes the photo of Jason Frasor]
Anthopoulos: I think we’ll go ahead and get Frasor too. And what about this guy?
[he removes the photo of Bautista. Bautista stands up and flexes his muscles]
Colby Rasmus: Yeah!!!
Travis Snider: Wooooo!!!!
Anthopoulos: So I count four major post-deadline acquisitions, including one of the two-time reigning home run king. We’re five games back of the playoffs with over two months to go. Who wants me to take our logo off this board?
Anthopoulos: Do we have some fight left in us?
Lawrie [spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and foaming at the mouth]: YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!! TAKE IT DOWN!!!! TAKE IT THE F**K DOWN!!!! JAYS FOR LIFE!!!! F**K YEAH!!!!! OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOOOOOOO!!!!!
The moral of the story? Keep the faith friends.
Keep the faith.