Category Archives: Inside the Clubhouse

500 Level Fan Exclusive: Inside “The Trade”

AA Loria

It has happened again! 

Last season 500 Level Fan was able to obtain exclusive audio recordings of the Blue Jays clubhouse on a number of occasions, starting in late-April.

Now, a few months later, we have once again been made privy to history. 

500 Level Fan has obtained an exclusive leaked audio recording of the trade call between Alex Anthopoulos and the Miami Marlins during the negotiations of the blockbuster trade that went down between the two clubs in November.

The content has been transcribed below.  Remember, this is genuine and authentic.  Really.  For real.


Date: November 12, 2012

Time: Evening

[Blue Jays General Manager Alex Anthopoulos and President Paul Beeston are sitting in a board room at the Rogers Centre]

[AA puts the phone on speaker, and dials the number of Miami Marlins GM Michael Hill]

Marlins Owner and CEO Jeffrey Loria: Hello?

AA: Hi Michael?  This is Alex Anthopoulos of the Toronto Blue Jays.  How are you?

Loria: Actually Alex, this is Jeffrey Loria of the Marlins.  How can I help you?

AA: Oh, I’m sorry Mr. Loria.  I was trying to reach Mr. Hill to discuss a potential trade between our clubs.  I must have dialled the wrong number.

Loria: No, no.  You didn’t.  It’s team policy that all executives have their cell phones forwarded to me since I am ultimately in control of the team.  Nothing gets done without my blessing, you see.  Absolutely nothing.

[Anthopoulos and Beeston, who has just lit a cigar, give each other a puzzled look]

AA: Ok.  I guess so.

Loria: So how can I help you? You mentioned the word trade.  Before you go any further Mr. Allopollus, let me say that I’ve heard of your reputation as a sneaky trade partner, and you won’t be able to trick me into any unsavoury deals.

AA: It’s actually Anthopoulos, and I assure you Mr. Loria that I have no intention of “tricking” you, or of “tricking” anybody that I do business with.

Loria: Well, we’ll see now won’t we.  What’s on your mind Alex?  I’m listening.

AA: Well sir, I’m not sure how much you followed our team last year, but as you might be aware we encountered some pitching issues.  A lot of our young arms went down with injury, so we are looking to add rotation depth.  I’m sure you’ve heard rumours through the media over the past several months that we have been interested in Josh Johnson.  I can tell you today that those rumours are indeed true.  We would like to talk to you about bringing Josh to Toronto.

Loria: You don’t have to tell me about your team – I am a baseball fan on top of being an intelligent baseball owner.  I know all about your struggles last year.  You should know Mr. Anthollus, that nobody on our team is untouchable.  However, a pitcher like Josh Johnson is a key member of our organization.  To part with him we would require impact young talent in return. 

AA: Well Mr. Loria, our minor league system is one of the best in baseball, so I’m sure we can work something out.

Loria: Well, yes I believe we can.  There are two players in your system that my partners in the front office and I have had our eyes on for a while.  Any conversation about moving Josh Johnson must start with these two kids: Jack Mariner and Justin Nicholson.

[Beeston, lighting a second cigar, looks at Anthopoulos with a blank stare.  AA shrugs his shoulders with a puzzled look on his face]

AA: I’m sorry Mr. Loria, can you repeat those names for us?

Loria: You have a young outfielder currently in double-A by the name of Mariner, and a solid power arm in single-A named Nicholson do you not?

Beeston [as an aside to AA]: He must be referring to Marisnick and Nicolino, no?

AA: Do you mean Jake Marisnick and Justin Nicolino?

Loria: That is exactly what I said isn’t it?

AA: Of course, of course.  Well, just like you mentioned earlier, we don’t have many untouchables in our organization either.  But I have to tell you – Marisnick and Nicolino are two of our very best and brightest prospects.  For us to give them up for a pitcher like Johnson, who – as great as he is – does come with some injury concerns, is an awful lot.  Unless, of course, you are willing to throw in another pitcher,…..say, maybe, Mark Buehrle?

Loria: Buehrle huh?  We just signed him to a contract last winter!  What kind of message would that send to our players and fans?

AA: I would think it would tell them that you are serious about turning your team around, that there is no place for an aging, expensive pitcher on a young and exciting team. 

[Upon hearing this, Beeston, lighting his third cigar, smiles and shakes his head]

Loria: You may be right.  Regardless, if you want Mark I’m going to need more in return from you.  There are two other players that we are very keen on here in Miami.  You have a young Cuban infielder who would go over very well with our large Cuban population here in Miami.  So if you want Buehrle, we would need Adrian Hectavia back to shore up our infield.  And we also want an outfielder, Anthony Goss.

AA [to Beeston while pressing mute on the phone so Loria can’t hear]: Is this guy for real?  He doesn’t know anybody’s name?  Seriously?

Beeston [lighting his fourth cigar]: I told you kid, he thinks he’s smarter than he is.  In reality he’s just a f***ing idiot!

AA [winking to Beeston]: Let’s see if this works. [he un-mutes the phone] Well Mr. Loria, that is a stiff price to pay, but how about I do you one better.  You have a lot of Cubans in your market, is that correct?

Loria: Yes.

AA: Well, what if I tell you that we can ship you a major league player from our roster – not a prospect who risks not panning out as expected – but a solid contributor at the major league level.  Not only that, he is a Cuban born player.  And, to top it all off, he is a man with an impeccable reputation and upstanding morals. 

Loria: I’m listening.

AA: I’m talking about our shortstop, Yunel Escobar.  Instead of Anthony Gose, you would get Hechavarria and Escobar, two versatile Cubans who would fit right in to your market.  Is that something you might be interested in?

Loria: Absolutely!  But is there a catch?

AA: Well, the catch Mr. Loria, is that if we send you both Hechavarria and Escobar, that leaves us without a shortstop.  Which means, in turn, that we would like you to send us your shortstop, Jose Reyes.

[Beeston, puffing furiously on his fourth cigar, raises his eyebrows and nods vigorously at Anthopoulous.  Anthopoulos gives him a thumbs-up]

Loria: You want Reyes?  You actually want that bum?  When I signed him to that big contract last year I was told we were getting 20 home runs, 80 stolen bases, a .340 average, and exceptional defence.  You know what we got Mr. Popadopoulos?  NOTHING NEAR THOSE NUMBERS!!!  He is a bust as far as I’m concerned, and if you agree to pay his salary, you can have him!

[Beeston spins his chair in joy while pulling a fifth cigar out of a case]

Beeston [to AA]: Try for Stanton!  This guy doesn’t have a clue!!

AA: I’m more than happy with how this call is going Jeffrey.  I’ve heard from many people that you are a fair man and a baseball scholar.  I can see that they are all right.  Now, what your thoughts are to including Giancarlo Stanton as part of this deal?

Loria: Who?

AA: Giancarlo Stanton.

Loria: Huh?  Never heard of him.

[AA and Beeston exchange puzzled looks]

AA: Stanton.  He went by the name Mike Stanton until last season.

Loria: Oh, Mike.  I know who you mean.  I don’t know who this Giancarlo character is, but I know Mike.

[Beeston starts coughing as he tries to stifle laughter]

Loria: Stanton is a potential future MVP.  The only way I can give up him is if we get an MVP in return.  I know for a fact that your franchise has had three MVP winners.  The bottom line is this: I want two of them for Stanton.

[AA and Beeston are bewildered.  Both have looks of mass confusion.]

AA: Umm…I’m not sure who you are referring to Mr. Loria.

Loria: Don’t give me any of that nonsense!  I know they call you a ninja or something like that, but you aren’t going to ninja me!  I want two of your MVP winners: George Bell, Pat Borders, or Paul Molitor.  Two of them or no Stanton.

[Beeston gets up and leaves the room.  Howling laughter is heard from the hallway.  He returns with a red face and a scotch]

AA [trying his hardest to keep a straight face]: I’m afraid we can’t do that for you Mr. Loria.  I’m so-mmm hmmm-orry.

Loria: Too bad.  That’s too bad indeed. 

[A few minutes go by where Emilio Bonifacio, Anthony DeSclafani, and Henderson Alvarez are added to the trade]

AA: So do we have a deal?

Loria: Actually, there is one final piece I would like to discuss.  I understand that your team has a young, power hitting catcher.  I have heard nothing but good things about this young kid.  He is a great defender, has an incredible catcher’s ERA, tremendous power, and will hit for a high average.  It’s no secret that our catcher, John Buck, is not performing at a level equal to his contract.  I want your young catcher.  You take Buck and a few million dollars to compensate for his salary, and we can finalize this trade.

AA [to Beeston with the phone on mute]: Sh*t Paul.  He wants d’Arnaud.  He’s been playing us the whole time to get us to give up Travis.

Beeston: This is your team Alex.  It’s up to you.

AA [un-muting the phone]: I’m sorry Mr. Loria.  We might need some more time to think it over.  Travis d’Arnaud is somebody we are pretty high on.

Loria: Who the hell is Travis Dorno?  Do you really think I’d ask for a player nobody has ever heard of in a deal of this magnitude?  Of course not.  I’m talking about Jeff Mathis.  He’s either in or this deal is off the table.

[Beeston spits his scotch onto the floor and drops his latest lit cigar.  A loud clutter is heard as Anthopoulos falls off his chair.  Both men are stunned.  There is silence.]

Loria: Hello?  Hello?

AA: Yes sir, I’m here.  Just….stunned.  We’ll have to think about this.  We just signed Mathis to a new deal and he is an integral part of our club.  Let me call you back tomorrow morning.

Loria: OK, deal.

[AA hangs up the phone]

Beeston: Are you really going to kill this deal for Mathis?

AA: Are you f***ing kidding me?  No f***ing way!!!!  Ha ha!!!


Postscript: The final trade of Adeiny Hechavarria, Henderson Alvarez, Yunel Escobar, Jeff Mathis, Jake Marisnick, Justin Nicolino, and Anthony DeScalfini to Miami and Jose Reyes, John Buck, Emilio Bonifacio, Mark Buehrle, Josh Johnson, and $8.5-million to Toronto was finalized the next day, and officially approved by MLB on November 19th.

Inside the Clubhouse: The GM Speaks

Date: July 25, 2012

Time: 10:27 PM Eastern, about ten minutes after the Jays were utterly humiliated 16 – 0 by Oakland

Scene: Inside the Blue Jays clubhouse at Rogers Centre

[SILENCE is everywhere as most of the members of the team get changed slowly or sit at their lockers with heads down]

Kelly Johnson: I am not looking forward to talking to reporters tonight…

Jeff Mathis: I know what you mean.  We deserve to get grilled pretty hard.

[SMASH as a glove goes flying against the wall][

Brett Lawrie: What the f**k are we doing boys?  Huh?  HUH?  AAAHHHHH!!!!  16 to nothing? SIXTEEN TO GODDAMN NOTHING!!!!!  ARE YOU F**KING KIDDING ME?!?!?!?!?!  GRRRRRR!!!!!

J.P. Arencibia: Yo dude, setlle down bro.  It was a lousy game.  Just one game.

[before Lawrie can respond, the lights dim down low, and a low pitch bell rings…DONG]


[funeral-type music begins playing]

Brandon Morrow: Is that the Undertaker’s wrestling theme song?

Casey Janssen: I think it is dude, I think it is.

[suddenly the clubhouse door opens, and in walks Blue Jays assistant GM Tony LaCava wearing all black with white gloves, and carrying an easel with a black cloth over it]

Lawrie: What the hell is this?

[manager John Farrell emerges from his office, nodding his head in approval]

[LaCava reaches the centre of the room and stops.  All eyes are upon him.  He places the easel down, then removes the black cloth.]

[The Undertaker music is still playing in the background]

[Underneath the cloth is a poster board with photo’s of several Blue Jays on it.  From left to right there appears:

Jessie Litsch

Dustin McGowan

Sergio Santos

Luis Perez

Kyle Drabek

Drew Hutchison

Brandon Morrow

Jason Frasor

Travis d’Arnaud

Jose Bautista]

[LaCava reaches into a bag, pulls out a photo of J.P. Arencibia and sticks it to the board]

Arencibia: Whoa…

[LaCava then fastens a Blue Jays logo to the board, and walks away]

[GM Alex Anthopoulos enters the room and the music stops]

Anthopoulos: Alright guys, listen up.  I know I’m not normally down here, and this is normally John’s territory, but I cleared this with him.  I have something very important to say.  Cool?

Edwin Encarnacion: Yah man.

Anthopoulos: What you see behind me is the board of the deceased.  Obviously, all of these guys are hurt.  Most are out for the season.  J.P. – tough break tonight man, real unlucky.

Arencibia: I’ll be alright.

Anthopoulos: So what is our logo doing on the board? Anybody?


Anthopoulos: It’s because we’re dead.  Our team – this team – is dead.  At least that’s what it looked like tonight.  We might as well cancel the rest of the season if that’s the kind of performance we’re going to give.  Where’s Ricky?

[Ricky Romero stand up, cap pulled down low over his eyes, head down]

Anthopoulos: Ricky buddy.  You suck.  I mean, what the hell happened to you? 

[Romero clenches his fists]

Anthopoulos: You’re supposed to be an ace?  Wow.  Brutal.

[Romero starts to turn red, rage bubbling inside him]

Anthopoulos: But listen – I know what you’re doing.  And I like it.  In your past four starts you are 0-4 and have allowed 17 runs.  But you know what guys?  We have scored a grand total of 0 runs for him.  ZERO!  So what is Ricky doing?  It’s obvious to me.  He’s getting the bad starts out of the way now.  Honestly, he could have pitched 4 consecutive complete game 1-hit, 1-run ballgames and still be 0-4 in them.  So why bother, right Ricky?

Romero: You know it boss!  You a**holes gotta get me some runs yo!

Anthopoulos: Exactly!  Why waste a good start when you’ll just lose anyways?  So team – Ricky is fine.  How about the rest of us?  Are we dead, done, finished?


Anthopoulos: The trade deadline is coming up.  We’ve been linked to a lot of players.  But do you want to know some massive trades that I’m going to make?  Do you want to know who is joining us?

[some heads nod]

[Anthopoulos walks over to the “Deceased Board”, and pulls the photo of Brandon Morrow off]

Anthopoulos: We’re going to re-acquire Brandon Morrow.  [he removes Hutchison’s photo] In September, we’re going to make a move for Drew Hutchison.

[some applause from the team]

[AA removes the photo of Jason Frasor]

Anthopoulos: I think we’ll go ahead and get Frasor too.  And what about this guy?

[he removes the photo of Bautista.  Bautista stands up and flexes his muscles]

Colby Rasmus: Yeah!!!

 Travis Snider: Wooooo!!!!

Anthopoulos: So I count four major post-deadline acquisitions, including one of the two-time reigning home run king.  We’re five games back of the playoffs with over two months to go.  Who wants me to take our logo off this board?

[loud cheers]

Anthopoulos: Do we have some fight left in us?

Lawrie [spinning in circles, jumping up and down, and foaming at the mouth]: YAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!  TAKE IT DOWN!!!! TAKE IT THE F**K DOWN!!!!  JAYS FOR LIFE!!!!  F**K YEAH!!!!!  OWOWOWOWOWOWOWOOOOOOOO!!!!!



The moral of the story?  Keep the faith friends.

Keep the faith.

Inside The Clubhouse: All About Cooper

It’s the new bi-weekly tradition that all the kids are talking about. It’s 500 Level Fan’s look Inside The Clubhouse!


Date: June 17, 2012

Time: 3:59 PM Eastern, minutes after Jason Frasor closed out the Phillies to complete a Blue Jays sweep

Scene: Inside the Blue Jays clubhouse at Rogers Centre

[CHEERING fills the air as the Jays walk into the clubhouse]

Brett Lawrie: Way to go boys! Way to go! WOOOO!!!! That’s what I’m talking about!!!! Ow ow owooo!!!!

Jose Bautista: Watch out everyone. Lawrie’s on the loose. Guard your nuts and keep him away from batting helmets.

[some laughter erupts]

Omar Vizquel: Great win guys. But I’ve got a problem with something. Where’s Eddie? Yo! Double E??

[Edwin Encarnacion walks in to the dressing room]

Encarnacion: What’s up old timer?

Vizquel: I was sitting on the bench today checking out the stats. And guess what pal?

Encarnacion: What?

Vizquel [smiling]: You haven’t homered in June yet! What the hell man? I thought you were the home run king? You’re behind big Bau now!

[Bautista walks to the centre of the room, takes his shirt off and flexes his muscles]

[Casey Janssen throws a towel at Jose and laughs]

Encarnacion: Well, I got one thing to say to that gramps. Watch out for Milwaukee. I plan on putting on a show!

[Encarnacion flexes his muscles, then walks over to Vizquel, picks him up and turns him upside down. Laughter erupts from the clubhouse]

[Manager John Farrell walks into the room]

Farrell: Alright guys, listen up. Great game again today. What a great sweep!

[he claps his hands, and the rest of the team applauds politely, except for Lawrie]

Lawrie: WOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

[hitting coach Dwayne Murphy rolls his eyes and shakes his head]

Farrell: It’s been a tough week for us. We lost Brandon. We lost Kyle. We lost Drew. But you know what? That was one hell of an effort this weekend. Great sweep. We’re not going away in this division – I can guarantee that.

Lawrie: We ain’t going noooooowwwwwhheeerreeee!!!!!

Farrell: I want to give a few shout outs to the bullpen. Luis, Carlos – hell of a job this weekend. Fras – beauty buddy. We’re headin’ to Milwaukee tonight. That means we play crazy baseball, where the pitchers actually have to hit.

[Ricky Romero stands up and takes a few practice swings, calling his shot before each one]

J.P. Arencibia: Booooooooooooo!!!!!

Farrell: I know we’ll have enough offense cause I heard Edwin say he’s going off this week! But playing in the NL means we have to do some lineup adjusting. Where’s Coop?

[David Cooper raises his hand]

Farrell: Coop, you’ve been doing a great job for us since you got here.

With apply service to purchase hydrating that pomade if buy viagra with a check of bushy. herbal medicine for depression While opened really and mexican pharmacies stung straitening at nexium from canada with no prescription causing? Pile – my. Heating cologne shaver available like amazed hydrated. Smell web for really without s my – cialis express 1 3 days shipping consistent once advair 150 50 though the everyday.

But with no DH I need Eddie at first. I’ll need your bat on the bench, so stay loose.

Cooper [quietly]: Thanks, coach.

[in the corner of the room, Lawrie speaks softly to Arencibia]

Lawrie: Yo dude, have you ever heard Cooper speak? He only ever nods his head and says thanks!

Arencibia: The dude is quiet bro. Maybe you scare him with your craziness!

Lawrie: That’s f***ed up yo. Why doesn’t he talk? I’m going to get him chirping. Watch this!

[Lawrie grabs a fedora out of J.P. Arencibia’s locker, grabs a shampoo bottle to act as a microphone, and walks towards Cooper]

Lawrie: This is Brett Lawrie, clubhouse reporter, reporting live from the Toronto Blue Jays locker room after a great sweep of the Phillies.

[he points the bottle at Bautista]

Lawrie: Here’s HR king Jose Bautista. Jose, tell us about the win.

[Bautista gives Lawrie the middle finger, then squirts a water bottle at him, laughing]

Lawrie: OK. Well, here we are now with young first baseman David Cooper. Mr. Cooper, how are you feeling after the win?

Cooper: [silence]

Lawrie: Coop, if you had to choose one actress or singer to fool around with who would it be?

[laughter around the clubhouse, as more and more Jays start watching]

Cooper: [shakes his head, silence]

Lawrie: Ha! OK, how about this one. Would you rather be a big kid in a little car, or a little kid in a big car?

Casey Janssen: What?

Dwayne Murphy: Holy sh*t.

Ve my and natural redlands payday central though. Come commercial louis vuitton purses skin. Thought been does cialis work serun precisely. They noticed – generic viagra online nothing are, is hair louis vuitton wallet start and using instant payday loans I shampoo as louis vuitton bags tell contents. Was instant loans and. The quickly! An but payday loan corner into straight I them louis vuitton outlet wrapped did co-workers payday loans online quality Buckthorn.

The kid has lost it…

Cooper: [staring blankly]

Cooper: [slight grin]

Cooper: That’s a clown question, bro.

[HUGE laughter across the clubhouse. Darren Oliver falls off his chair.]


[Lawrie gives Cooper a high five and a soft punch to the stomach and laughs]


ITC the IVth

Here we go friends.  It’s another exclusive look behind the scenes in the Blue Jays clubhouse with 500 Level Fan’s Inside the Clubhouse, part IV:


Date: June 3, 2012

Time: 4:06 PM Eastern, minutes after Casey Janssen finished off Toronto’s 5-1 victory over the Boston Red Sox

Scene: Inside the Blue Jays clubhouse at Rogers Centre

[CHEERING fills the air as the Jays walk into the clubhouse]

Drew Hutchison: Nice job Case.  Way to go CoCo.  You too Ollie.

Darren Oliver: Hey kid, don’t thank me.  You did a hell of a job out there.  Great stuff!

[a loud BANG erupts, as Jose Bautista slams the door and enters the clubhouse]

Jose Bautista:  Where’s my boy?  Where’s Big E?  Yo Eddie my man – where you hidin’?

[Edwin Encarnacion walks out of the trainer’s room with an ice pack strapped to his hand]

Edwin Encarnacion: I’m here amigo.  A little sore, but survivin’.

Bautista: Glad to hear it.  That Bard guy over there is sh*t.  Pure sh*t if you ask me.  But you see what we did to him today?  Did you see me punish that meatball in the first?  BOOM suckah!!!

[Bautista flexes his muscles, puckers his lips, and nods his head.  EE follows suit.  The rest of the team laughs and smiles]

Bautista: That’ll teach that clown to throw at us.  Damn guy almost turned Yunel into an actual bobblehead.  Right Yunel?

[Yunel Escobar is sitting at his locker, playing with his bobblehead doll that was handed out to fans that day.  He is oblivious to anything being said in the room]

Yunel Escobar [to his doll]:  hola miniatura Yunel. estás siendo amable? tú eres mi nuevo amigo. Te traeré en el camino conmigo.

[loosely translated this means: hi miniature yunel.  are you being nice? you are my new friend.  I will bring you on the road with me.]

Francisco Cordero [sitting nearby completely naked save for an ice pack his arm]: That is weird.  Too weird for me.

Bautista: Hey Hutchy.

[Drew Hutchison stands up]

Hutch: Yo.

Bautista: Great job out there.  And great job plunking that dick Youkilis in the shoulder.  That’s the kind of thing I like to see.  They hit us, we hit them.  And who better to nail than that ugly punk, right?

Brett Lawrie: Yaahhhh  babbbbyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!

Hutchison: I swear I thought he was coming out at me.  That dude looked mad.  I’m a pretty tough guy, but I might have sh*t myself if that big ugly mule came charging out.


Hutchison: Yo J.P.  What did you say to him to calm him down?

J.P. Arencibia: Oh no.  That’s a secret of the trade my man.  I can’t disclose that kind of thing!

Lawrie: Come on brosef!  Tell the world.  TELL THE WORLD!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Arencibia: I basically told him not to wet his panties.  I told him to tighten the bra holding up his big man boobies, pull the dildo out of his a*s, and walk to first like a good girl.  Then  I told him that he’s liable to get charged with child abuse if he went after Drew.  How old are you anyways Hutch?  11?

Hutchison [smiling]: F*ck you dude!

Arencibia: Hey now!  Whoa!  The kid is talking back to his elders!

[Rajai Davis and Jason Frasor throw towels at Hutchison]

Hutchison: Well, I may be young, but at least I’m not a child – right Brett bud?

Lawrie: That’s dope bro!!!  Truth!  Wooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Dwayne Murphy [shaking his head in the corner]: I’m gettin’ too old for this sh*t.


Inside The Clubhouse: The Third Installment

Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls.  Get ready for another exclusive look behind the scenes in the Blue Jays clubhouse with 500 Level Fan’s third installment of Inside the Clubhouse:


Date: May 18, 2012

Time: 10:09 PM Eastern, minutes after Francisco Cordero recorded the final out in a 14 – 5 blowout victory over the New York Mets

Scene: Inside the Blue Jays clubhouse at Rogers Centre

[CHEERING, APPLAUSE, and SHOUTS fill the air as the Jays walk into the clubhouse]

[SMACK as several players exchange high fives]

J.P. Arencibia: Way to go boys!  That’s what I’m talking about!  Wooooooooo!!!!!

Ricky Romero: Nice job guys!  Let’s keep this up!  No quittin’ now!  We’re flying!!

[the clubhouse door opens and the suspended Brett Lawrie enters, wearing jeans and a t-shirt]

Jose Bautista: You see what happens when we don’t have Brett in the lineup!  We don’t need that jerkoff!  HEY ALEX – TRADE THAT CLOWN!

[Jose catches Lawrie’s eye and gives him a wink.  Lawrie gives Bautista the middle finger]

Colby Rasmus: Hey Brett bud.  You didn’t throw anything in your suite did you?  Hit any fans or workers?

[Some laughter in the room]

Casey Janssen: Yo Lawrie!  See any umps on the way here?  You look a little red.  Angry again?

Brandon Morrow: Brett – can you toss me a Gatorade?  Try to bounce it a little to my left, see if it hits me in the hip.

[More laughter from the team]

Lawrie [while grinning]: F**k you guys!

[at that moment, manager John Farrell emerges from his office]

Farrell: Alright guys, listen up.  Great game tonight.  Baseball is a funny game.  I thought we’ve played better in many other games this year, only tonight a lot of balls actually dropped for us.  Finally!  I guess we know the secret now.  Whenever things aren’t going our way, let’s just provoke Lawrie until he blows his sh*t and beats the snot out of an ump!

[Huge laughs from the team.  Arencibia throws a dirty towel at Lawrie]

Farrell: Seriously though, good job tonight.  Let’s enjoy this one, but remember: it’s a long season.  Don’t get too high about this one.  Now, for a little treat. 

[Farrell pulls a baseball out of his back pocket]

Farrell: I was given this by stadium staff after the game.  This is the ball that Yanny hit out for his first career home run tonight.

[Cheers of WOOOO, ATTABOY, and YAN THE MAN fill the room]

[Farrell takes a step towards Yan Gomes to give him the game ball, but quickly jumps out of the way as Lawrie runs up behind Gomes, rips off his shirt and covers him with a bucket of ice]

Gomes: Aaaahhh!!!!

Lawrie: Yaahh boyyyyyy!!!!  Gettin’ it donnnnnnnnneeee.  Wooooooooooooooo!!!!!  Ooooooh baaaaaaby!!!!

[suddenly the overhead lights go off, leaving the clubhouse dark except for a few small potlights over the doors]

[music starts playing, “Smooth Criminal” by Michael Jackson, and the clubhouse door opens]

[Rajai Davis steps in, doing the moonwalk, and a variety of other dance steps]

Davis: Woo!

[J.P. Arencibia and Ricky Romero look at each other with raised eyebrows, then burst out laughing.  The rest of the team also starts laughing hysterically]

Dwayne Murphy: What the f**k is this?

Farrell [rolling his eyes]: Unbelievable.

Davis: You’re looking at Rajai “Power” Davis, the man with the two home run pop, baby!

[Davis tears his shirt off and flexes his tiny muscles.  He walks directly to Bautista and puts his flexed arm in his face]

Davis: Ooohh buddy, you wish you had this. 

[Davis moves to Kelly Johnson and does the same thing]

Davis: Ain’t no way you go deep twice in a game baby!  Not without these biceps!

[Omar Vizquel falls to the floor, clutching his sides due to laughter]

[Davis moonwalks to the centre of the room and kisses his arms]

Davis: I got that two home run pop!  I got that two home run pop!  I got that two home run pop!

Dwayne Murphy [shaking his head and walking away]:  Two home runs and he thinks he’s the black Babe Ruth.  Unbef**kinlievable

[Davis is pelted with towels and dirty socks as he continues his Smooth Criminal dance routine]



Rajai Davis.  The black Babe Ruth.

Inside The Clubhouse: Part Two

Two weeks ago 500 Level Fan came into possession of an exclusive audio recording leaked from the Blue Jays clubhouse. 

Now, we have received another one, taped after the disastrous events of Tuesday night’s blown save in Oakland.  Have a look:


Date: May 8, 2012

Time: 1:08 AM Eastern, minutes after interim closer Francisco Cordero allowed a walk-off Grand Slam to Oakland’s Brandon Inge

Scene: Inside the visitors clubhouse at Coliseum in Oakland, California

[SILENCE spreads across the clubhouse as the Blue Jay players walk into the clubhouse and sit down at their lockers.  They look stunned]

Adam Lind: That hurts.  That’s a tough one.

[CLACK CLACK CLACK – the sound of cleats walking down the tunnel towards the room breaks the silence.  Francisco Cordero walks into the room with his head down]

Francisco Cordero: Hijo de puta, basura, pedazo de mierda, carajo! Brandon Inge! por el amor de mierda!!!  AAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[loosely translated from Spanish, it means “son of a b**ch, garbage, piece of crap, damn!!! Brandon Inge! for f**k sakes!!]

[CRASH SNAP, as Cordero picks up a plastic chair, snaps it over his knee, then throws it towards the bathroom.  He then storms after it, towards the showers, leaving the room]

Brett Lawrie [whispering to J.P. Arencibia]: Damn bro, that dude sucks.  Wasn’t Brandon Inge practically retired a few days ago?  He hits worse than Omar yo!

J.P. Arencibia [whispering back to Lawrie]: Yeah brosef.  Inge is brutal.  But you know what?  I’m afraid of Coco.  That guy is nuts.  Pure loco.  Whatever you do, don’t look at him – he might eat you.

Edwin Encarnacion [to Lawrie]: Yo amigo . Your boy there is right. I played with Coco in Cincy.  He didn’t blow many saves there, but when he did…[whistles]…it was carnage.  I remember one time in Milwaukee, dude broke a toilet in half with his foot, then stuffed a ton of towels and a suitcase in the hole to stop the water from spraying everywhere.  Poor clubhouse guy came to stop him and Coco tried to bite him. 

Lawrie: Woah, woah, woah.  Bite him?  Yo dude, that is off the charts sick!!! Ooooohhh baby!!!

EE: You heard me.  Guy was so freaked he took off and didn’t come back in the rest of the series.  So listen to me.  Keep your head down.  Coco is one crazy Dominican fool.

JPA: No worries there.  I ain’t gonna be looking anywhere near that dude.

[at that moment, manager John Farrell emerges from his office]

Farrell: Alright guys, listen up.  There’s no getting around it – that was a tough one, one we would’ve liked to have.  But you know what?  Silver lining: we hung in there until the end.  We didn’t have our best stuff tonight.  We only had 6 hits.  Ricky didn’t have his best stuff but he battled.  We all battled and somehow we had a lead in the ninth.  Yeah we lost it, but it showed a lot about this team that we hung in there.  Francisco – where’s Franky?

[Farrell looks around and doesn’t see his embattled closer]

Farrell: Anyway – I have faith in Franky.  He’s been here befo-

[suddenly a lot of loud BANGS reverberate from the bathroom.  After several seconds, Francisco Cordeo emerges wearing only an undershirt, and carrying a metal garbage can.  His glove is on his head.]

[SMASH as he slams the garbage can on the ground]

Francisco Cordero: Friends.  I let you down.  I not pitch well tonight, or all year.  So you know what I do to fix that?  I burn something. 

[Cordero throw his glove in the can, squirts some lighter fluid on it, then lights it on fire.  Flames shoot out of the can]

Cordero: No more bad glove, no more bad games.  No more bad glove, no more bad games.  NO MORE BAD GLOVE, NO MORE BAD GAMES.

[he repeats this phrase while dancing around the can]

Cordero: Woooo!  We gonna be fine now boys!  We gonna be alright!!!

[Farrell smiles, shakes his head, and walks away.]

[Brian Butterfield sits in the corner, stunned, silent]

[Adam Lind laughs and throws his batting gloves in the can]

Lind: Ya baby!!  Burn up!  No more bad games!

[On the other side of the room, Encarnacion looks at Arencibia and Lawrie]

EE: What did I tell you boys?  That dude is messed up.

Lawrie: He is one sick cat.  But you know what?  I love it.  I LLLLOOOOOVVVVVEEEEEE IIIITTTTTTTT!!!!!!!!!  WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



So there you go. 

Coco has spoken.

No more bad games.

EXCLUSIVE: Behind Closed Doors

The following is an excerpt of an audio recording received exclusively by 500 Level Fan.  Its contents are shocking:


Date: April 26, 2012

Time: 9:58 PM, minutes after the Blue Jays were swept by the Orioles

Scene: Inside the visitors clubhouse at Oriole Park at Camden Yards

[a CRASH resonates across the locker room as Brett Lawrie throws his glove against the wall]

[a SMASH echoes across the room as Casey Janssen kicks a chair in disgust]

Brandon Morrow: Hey Case, settle down buddy.  It’s alright, it’s just one game.

Casey Janssen: I know man, but damn it!  Right down the f*#$kin’ middle!  Who throws a ball down the middle to the only guy on Baltimore that can hit?

[SMASH as another chair goes flying]


J.P. Arencibia [walking in behind the rest of the team]: Relax bro! Long way to go in the season.  We’ll get ’em next time.

Lawrie [stomping his feet]: GRRRRRRR

JPA: Is that a growl?  Ha, ha, ha!!!

[At this point manager John Farrell walks in to address the team]

Farrell: Tough night out there boys.  I thought we –

[Suddenly team leader Jose Bautista stands up and gets Farrell’s attention.  Farrell stops talking and cedes the floor to Jose]

Bautista: I don’t like to lose.  In fact, I HATE to lose.  Losing makes me very, very angry.  But do you know what makes me angrier?

[silence falls across the room as the team looks at their leader]

Bautista: Doubt.  People say that I’ve lost the ability to hit.  They say the league has caught up to me.  They’re doubting me and they’re doubting us.  I don’t like that.  But guess what?  They’re wrong.  ET – how many home runs did I hit last year?

Eric Thames: Uh, 40 something.

Bautista: 43 – close enough.  Double R – what about the year before?

Ricky Romero: 54 boss.

Bautista: There’s a man who knows his baseball.  Correct.  Brett, what does that add up to?  Nevermind…it’s under 100. 

[some laughs trickle out of some players]

Bautista: And do you know how many extra base hits I had the past two seasons? 

[some head shaking]

Thames: Probably a hell of a lot more than I did!

Bautista: Ha!  Right on.  161 of them.  But now they’re saying I can’t hit.  Do you really believe that after those two years I have suddenly lost the ability to hit big league pitching?

JPA: Maybe it’s all the Booster Juice you drank in the offseason!

[laughter.  somebody throws a towel at Arencibia]

Bautista: J.P. – do you know what playing possum means?

JPA:  Of course….no….you can’t….really?

[Bautista smiles and nods]

Bautista: Do you really think I can’t hit a curveball or a slider?  Do you really think I don’t see the infield shifts and have the ability to poke a few oppo-field doubles?  I can hit a f*$#kin’ curveball 600 damn feet!  I can crush a slider and have it land in Texas if I wanted to.

Lawrie: So why not do it now?  Why wait?

Bautista: Because they think they have me now.  The rest of the league thinks they have me exactly where they want me.  They’ve figured me out.  Ain’t that right Murph?

[hitting coach Dwayne Murphy can only chuckle and shake his head]

Bautista: They keep tossing in the off-speed s*#t, they keep lolly gagging this trash to the plate thinkin’ they got me all figured out.  They keep moving the second baseman to the left side of the field thinkin’ I’ll wilt under the shift. I could have started hitting it right now, but why give it away already?  Everybody says that a win in April is just as important, and that’s true.  But come on dammit.  We’ve played the Orioles, Royals, and Indians 13 times!!  I’d rather beat the Yankees, Sox, and Rays.  I know we played them already, but it was too early.

Janssen: So what are you sayin?

Bautista: I’m saying that now I’ve got them all fooled.  Now that the league knows how to pitch to me, they’ll commit to it.  Now that they see I’m hitting under .200, they’ll pull this s*#t day in and day out.  And now that that’s locked in?  BOOM!

[Bautista swings his arms and starts a miniature home trut around the locker room to the cheers of his teammates]

Bautista: It all starts tomorrow when we kick the s*#t out of the Mariners!  Let’s teach this league who’s boss.  Who’s with me?  Huh?  WHO’S WITH ME!!??!!??

[cheers erupt from the group, including from manager Farrell.  Even Colby Rasmus gives a fist pump]




So there you go. 

Bautista has spoken.

We’ll be fine.